2009 Wrap Up

Well, another year is wrapping up, and it's time for another update on my progress. I did this last year (see the post here on the Year of Frugal Living blog) and it's great to have a record of my accomplishments. So, here I go:

• I paid off another 7.6 percent of my debt, for a total of 26%, or more than 1/4.
• I dealt with missed child support, a missing ex husband, and had the guts to take him back to court for all of it.
• I experienced quite a few achievements at work, including getting an award in front of the whole college!
• I gave my children chores and have begun giving my 5 year old an allowance to start teaching him to save for things he wants
• I made my grandmother's pirogi recipe with the kids (one of my 2009 resolutions)
• I travelled without the kids without having a nervous breakdown
• I went on a date
• I remodeled my living room fireplace

2009 has been the year of living- actually doing the things I have always wanted to do without being too scared or talking myself out of it. It's been a fantastic feeling to really be living my life, and I hope to continue to do it in 2010!

Foolproof Cleaning Method

Get motivated to purge in 3 easy steps!

Step one: Turn on tv

Step two: Tune tv to A&E's Show Hoarders

Step three: Get totally grossed out and begin throwing away your stuff

I have watched this show twice since I've been home on vacation, and each time I've thrown out a huge bag of stuff immediately afterwards. It is gross. And everytime I watch it, I look around at the piles of crap in my house and I think "OMG, this is how it starts." And I start tossing stuff.

I am not a super neat person, despite being a librarian. :D I have the tendency to save things because I might need them, or I feel guilty throwing them away. This is ridiculous, especially in a 1100 square foot house. I was just going through the "sippy cup shelf" and there are baby bottles in there, the ones they recalled because of BPA. So even if I DID have another baby, which would take a miracle at this point, I wouldn't even use them anyway!

So yes, if you have the tendency to save things, watch this show. It works!

letters and sodas

It’s not the holidays. I swear. It’s just that… I think I’ve been watching too many romantic comedies on USA. Or maybe it’s the full day workshop I attended with someone who I was dating and, while I fully acknowledge that things wouldn’t have worked out, is still a pretty nice guy. But whatever it is, I feel like maybe I’m ready to start dating a bit. I don’t quite know how to go about this, because I’m 31 and I don’t hang out at bars and I don’t really go anywhere other than work and the grocery store.

 

So another, semi embarrassing 2010 resolution is to put myself back out there, even if it means utter embarrassment. I might even get to see a movie or something eventually, right?

what's gonna work?

The funny thing about trying out new things is sometimes it makes your life easier, but the initial trying seems so time consuming and requiring of effort that it's too hard to do it.

Like, for example, making small children pick up their toys before bed. I'll admit it, I have been doing it all these years because, well, because I was too tired to make them do it and it was easier just to do it myself. But since we're starting chores and one of my resolutions is to clean less, I started making them pick up the messes they made over the course of the day before we get ready for bed. I stayed with them and helped and we all did it together, and everyone felt really happy and proud when the house looked nice before they went to sleep.

As Mr5 was getting ready to go to sleep, I was laying in his bed with him "talking about things" (as he calls it) and I said "Thanks for helping me clean up today. It was really great that we all did it together and it didn't take very long and look how clean the house is now! It was great teamwork." And he says "Yeah, it was teamwork! Just like the Wonder Pets."

Yup! Just like em. :)

prioritizing

I recently read this article in Business Week called “How Adults Achieve Happiness”. It’s an interesting article because it, In some ways, tells you what you already know, but need to hear anyway. Basically, it comes down to this:

Lots of tv watching/ web surfing = not happy

Lots of exercise = happy

Lots of cleaning = not happy (yay!!)

Lots of friends = happy (yay again!)

It also draws a direct correlation between happiness at work and happiness at home.

I like this article because it is in many ways what I’ve tried to accomplish over the last 2 ½ years (wow, has it really been that long?) since my ex moved out. And I have to say, each of them require work. It’s easy to watch tv, or get sucked into the web for a few hours. It’s easy to not exercise. It’s easy to not call friends, although it’s also easy to not clean, at least it is for me. :)

So, in light of the upcoming new year, and this interesting perspective on happiness, here are my 2010 goals:

1. Make time to exercise!!! We have a gym at my work. I have a membership. I have never gone, because I don’t make the time. This year, I will schedule in gym time just as firmly as I schedule a meeting or a doctor’s appointment. Barring serious illness, it cannot be missed. I’ll shoot for twice a week to start.

2. 2. Spend less time watching tv! This has been happening naturally since my tivo stopped working, and since I’ve been reading more. Keep it up.

3. 3. Spend less time cleaning- the method for this one is brilliant- my children are getting chores. End of story. :D

4. 4. Spend more time with friends- this one is easy, but with the cold and snow already here, will take an extra effort in the winter. I’m close with my core group of friends, but have fallen out of touch with others, and have recently made contact with a long lost friend, who I want to invite over for dinner soon.

What are your goals?

It can't be

A week before Christmas? Oh, that is not good. I have lost my list and my motivation to shop and most likely, the positive balance in my checking account.

improvements

I’ve been busily painting, cleaning, getting rid of things, and hanging up panels to cover the ugly wall air conditioner (photos to come). And yesterday, I even went couch shopping!

 

When I graduated college, I moved into a 3 month sublet in Providence, Rhode Island with a handful of furniture. Since I’d be there for 3 months, I never really bothered decorating or buying much. Then after that, I moved into a bedroom of an already furnished apartment, so same thing. After that, another sublet, this time in Prescott, Arizona, so I didn’t even have furniture- just a duffel bag the size of a kayak to hold all my stuff (I can fit in that duffel bag! It’s amazing). After that, moved back home with my parents, and then I finally got an apartment here in Connecticut with the person who I’d go on to marry.

 

Except we had no money, so we never bought any furniture or did any decorating. My parents gave us a couch and my ex had a kitchen table. I taped Sonic Youth and French movie posters to the walls, and we sat around smoking cigarettes and drinking beer and never once cared about fixing the place up. And it was an awful place- the garage of a ranch that had been converted into a loft apartment. It was in many ways illegal and even more ways ugly. I actually can’t believe we ever even lived there.

 

Then we moved again, this time to a nice apartment with cathedral ceilings and a balcony. But now I had a 4 month old and wasn’t working, so no new furniture. Couldn’t paint, because it was a rental. So again, same ugly couch, a new hand me down kichen table, and a cabinet for the tv that we bought off some guy on the street for 25 bucks. At least this time we bought a few paintings to hang on the wall from IKEA, except I’m pretty sure we charged them and I’m probably still paying for them if you were to trace it back.

 

Finally we moved to the house I live in now, except 3 weeks after we moved the shit hit the fan and my ex became my ex. Then I REALLY didn’t have any money and I inherited even more hand me downs- a tv wall unit, a desk, a pink recliner. I taped the kids coloring pages to the walls, and shoved boxes of things under the beds. I could barely breathe, barely pay for food, never mind make the place my own.

 

So here I am, the first time in my life fixing up a place so that it’s MINE. I’ve never shopped for a couch before, never bought a piece of furniture from a place other than a tag sale or Goodwill. Never painted trim or hung up curtains. It’s just incredible to be able to make decisions about my own space. I feel like I can finally make it my own, and that’s amazing.

 

In the Groove

For some reason, I am super productive lately! I've been painting, Christmas shopping, cleaning, reading real novels (really!) and just feeling really energetic, even after the kids go to bed.

I just finished the second coat on the fireplace and it looks awesome. Tomorrow I'll do the trim, and then I'm getting my Christmas tree. I can't believe I am actually close to finishing this project!

Sorry for all the excitement, but things don't usually go so well for me! I even got an award at work yesterday! :)

check it out

what do you think?

primer, new lamp, and cat

Check it out! Awesome, right? My mom came over and we primed the area. Then I chose a paint color (a medium gray) and we went to Ikea and got the panels to hang over the air conditioner. My mom and dad are both coming over Tuesday to hang the panels and the new curtains I got for by the couch. I'm so excited!

This project is frugal because my mom is paying for the supplies as a Christmas present. And the cat is pretty confused by it all.

1/4 of the way there (and painting day!)

If you came over from the Year of Frugal Living blog, then you know I've been trying to pay off debt for a while now. As of today, I reached the 25% mark! Hooray! I had wanted to be at 40% by the end of 2009, but with my ex disappearing for 2 months, that just didn't work out. But I'm still ahead of where I was at the end of 2008 (I think 18%) so I'm still moving forward. This is cause for celebration- which I'm doing by priming the fireplace! My mom's on her way so I better stop fooling around on the computer and start getting ready...

Before

Here's the fireplace, paneling, and random bookshelf set-up:

Here's the rest of the wall (note the end of the paneling on the right):
See? Bad, huh?

not what I'm supposed to be doing...

My mom is coming over tomorrow night with paint chips and Sunday we're going to IKEA. When I get home tonight I plan to take pictures of the "before" so that I can share and ask for some advice.

After 31 years of bitching that I don't have anything that I like and my house doesn't reflect my own style, the big question then becomes "what IS my own style?" Once, I took one of those "what is your style personality?" quizzes on hgtv.com and it said "eclectic" which I think means "too inconsistent to label". On that particular show (which I can't remember the name of right now) it says to pick 5 of your favorite things in your house, so that's what I'm going to do tonight, and see if that tells me anything other than "none of these things go together'.

let the daydreaming begin...

Now I'm wrapped up in the world of interior design. Should the panels be a bright color? What will go on the mantle? How will I choose things that reflect me and that I love and will also look cool and not like a dorm room?

It's so exciting. In the meanwhile, I found this cool blog about a mom who does this type of thing. Well. http://www.designmom.com/

Back to my lunch break IKEA shopping...

Divine Design

I just spent the last hour with my mom, staring at my ugly living room and trying to figure out wth to do with it all.

It boils down to a few major problems:

• it is entirely (and I mean 100%) filled with hand me downs from the early 90's at the NEWEST
• there is a large, wood paneled fireplace area on one end, not centered on the wall (wtf?)
• there is a giant air conditioner stuck in the side of the wall, even though I have central air (again, wtf?)
• there are toys, more toys, and then some more toys EVERYWHERE.

We came up with a plan. It's a phased plan, which I learned about at work. That means there is a phase one that is cheap and phase two that we may never have the money/resources to achieve, but here's hoping.

The Phase One plan is to:

1. Paint large wood paneled fire place to match the walls (cream) and trim (white)
2. Purchase and hang a screen over the air conditioner
3. Get a new corner desk to fill up the area next to the fireplace and make it look less off-center

Phase Two is something like get new couch, get new entertainment unit, win lottery, boob job, marry Brad Pitt. We'll see.

In the end, we felt good about it all, but my mom did claim she's emailing the Divine Design chick to beg her to come here.

how on earth do I have a 5 year old...

My oldest turned 5 on Friday. We spent the day with their dad, which as you can imagine, makes me the best mom on the planet.

It actually wasn't that bad. It's not like I don't like to talk to him, I just can't live with him. But he kept excusing himself to go smoke cigarettes, and each time he was gone I explained to the kids how cigarettes make your lungs black and you get sick from them and maybe die. So, they may grow up with panic disorders about their father (and grandmother) dying, but at least they won't smoke.

So now he's 5, and he's decided that he no longer wants me to call him by his nickname (which we've ALWAYS called him) but by his full name. The sheer idea of this makes me want to cry. I mean, it makes sense, he is certainly more of a full name type of kid, but still. At 5? Can't this wait till high school? It's heartbreaking.

On the other hand, now he's big enough for cool toys, so we spent the day yesterday playing star wars and legos and playmobil dragons. Plus, Mr3 informed me that he was never going to move out and he was going to live with me forever in the basement and sometimes he'd go to the grocery store. So now I have that to look forward to- I sort of picture him like the guy in "I Love You Man," hanging out in his man cave, smoking pot and playing air bass to Rush. Gotta love these kids...

Happy Thanksgiving!

I usually blow off sentimental holidays as being too mushy or something, but I have to admit being a mother has sort of forced me to take myself a little less seriously and enjoy the warmth of Thanksgiving and Christmas.

And in that vein, I'm thankful for

• my children
• having a roof over my head and food to eat
• my friends and family
• my job
• finding my voice through the Year of Frugal Living blog and continuing it here
• having a sense of humor when all of the above go terribly, terribly awry!

Happy Thanksgiving!

Every day is a new beginning

I'm watching the Biggest Loser right now. This season, there are some really messed up people among the contestants. Two of them are particularly heartbreaking to me- one, Abby, the mom who lost her whole family (husband, 5 year old daughter and newborn son) in a car accident. The other is Shay, the woman who's mother was a heroin addict. Obviously, the mom is heartbreaking- especially to a mom of two like me. Every time she talks about her kids, I just cry and cry. I can't even imagine what she went through. And for the other woman, after everything I went through with my ex and keeping my kids safe from his addiction, I just think of what could have happened had I not been strong enough to get us away from him.

Life is scary. Bad shit happens every day. People who don't deserve to suffer suffer a LOT. They don't always get saved, they don't always have another parent who will be DAMNED if they let anything happen to their kids. And people like my ex drive drunk or speed or whatever and kill other families. It's enough to make you want to stay in your house and never leave.

Except you can't. I'm not a religious person, I don't think there's a better place waiting for us. I think this life is the chance we have to be happy, to love, and to make this world a better place. I don't want my life to be bad or sad or terrible because of other people's crap. And I want my children to grow up knowing that they are loved and safe and have the chance to make their own happiness. And so I do my best every day- if I'm tired or sad or upset, I talk to my kids about feelings and how to deal with them. I don't sugar coat things, but I don't let them forget that they are safe and loved. And I really feel that every day is a new beginning, a new chance to be happy and have relationships with others and to love and be loved. At the end of the day, you can only change yourself and how you deal with how others affect you.

The village that I talk about- it's about having those loving relationships with people who make you happy and challenge you and who you love. It's about making your life the best you can, and not letting the bad things break you. At the end of the day, I feel at peace with everything I've been through, and I hope that I make others lives happier.

I think I need a teepee

Yesterday I was insanely stressed out. There was too much to do and not enough time to do it in- kids needed to be delivered to two different places, Halloween costumes needed to be worn with changes of clothes brought, garbage and recycling needed to be taken out, and I needed to be at work at 7:45 for a class. Then, I got it all done, and I felt awesome. I'm awesome! I can handle everything!

Except this morning I had practically nothing to do. Kids were coming with me to school (they go to the preschool on our campus), costumes were in the bag, no lunches needed because they are going to the babysitter's at lunch time so McDs on the way could be had... should have been a breeze, right?

But no. Mr3 would NOT leave me alone. He wanted me to carry him everywhere, and since I donated blood yesterday, I didn't really want to pick him up (my arm looks gross- like blood will squirt out of the hole if I flex my muscle). Then he didn't want to get dressed, then he wanted a cheese stick even though he had a bowl of colby jack and crackers right in front of him, then he kept pushing me while I was trying to brush my teeth... I ended up roaming aimlessly around the house trying to find a place to get away from him. Just for ONE minute- just enough to drink a few swigs of coffee without getting shoved and spilling it.

I eventually got them dressed and in the car and delivered to school and now I'm at work and everything is fine, but I hate mornings like this. It all started because Max just wanted me to play with him, and I can't really PLAY with him in the morning. I ended up playing this "i'm a hamster in the pet store and you buy me" game with him while I was making breakfast, but that's what set him off. And I feel bad! But what can I really do? It's time to get up, get dressed, eat, get ready.

It's just frustrating and it sucks.

Early to bed

Everyone's making fun of me about my "new bedtime" but all I have to say is:

I FEEL AMAZING.

Getting 8 hours of sleep is not a joke, it really has changed my life. I'm waking up happier, I have WAY more energy which means I have been exercising more, I haven't been as hungry for carbs and things (so I've lost a few pounds) and my house is really clean.

I was very skeptical of how a single, working mom could go to bed so early and still get things done and have any time to relax. But for some reason, my extra energy during the day is helping me stay on top of cleaning, so that there's not a lot to do after the kids go to bed, just about 30 min of picking up, doing dishes, etc (during which time I talk on the phone to catch up with friends). Then it's only about 8 pm, and I get some reading material, get ready for bed, and watch tv or read until I go to sleep. It is really rather amazing.

I was going to do it for a week... but now I think I might extend it indefinitely!

it's 9:12 am...

and the groceries are here and put away (the kids LOVED it), the dishwasher is emptied, the laundry is done (enough), the house is picked up, and the kids are at their dad's.

I think I'll exercise, clean the bathtub and take a shower. And then I'm off for a grown up adventure of reading at a coffee shop and visiting a museum. I'm so excited.

Saving Sunday

Sundays are pretty much the only day I can really count on my ex to spend time with the kids, so they end up being the one day I can actually count on getting things done. Lately I've been feeling like I waste my whole day Sunday doing house things like cleaning, laundry and grocery shopping. A few weeks ago, I went out to have lunch with a friend and left a little early, where I headed down to a local college town where there are tons of awesome bookstores, museums, coffee shops, etc. It was the best day I had had in ages because my whole day was about being a grown up and doing things I like to do, rather than vacuuming and washing dishes.

Ever since then, I've been doing all I can to get the weekly chores done throughout the week so that I can have Sunday to myself. I've been doing a load or two of laundry after work, cleaning up before bed every night instead of leaving things for the weekend, and basically keeping on top of things. I know this probably sounds obvious, but with a 12 hour day of work plus mom duties each day, I was not that motivated to do it before.

Then today, in a stroke of genius, I finally ordered Peapod (a delivery service from our local grocery store) to be delivered tomorrow between 6 and 8 am. I am psyched! When the kids get picked up at 9, the grocery shopping will already be done. I cannot even believe how easy it really was.

I know that this service isn't particularly frugal (they charge a delivery fee, although this time I had a coupon that covered it) but in the grand scheme of things, it seems to be worth it. And I'm really looking forward to a lovely day tomorrow- if the weather is decent, I'm planning on going to an art museum that has free admission. I can't wait.

Mrs., Ms. or Miss: Addressing Modern Women

Mrs., Ms. or Miss: Addressing Modern Women

This is an interesting article about women's names and identities. A few of my Facebook friends have commented on it. I personally use Ms. but am not offended by Miss or Mrs., and I didn't change my last name back to my maiden name when I got divorced.

I think that the author makes a point when she points out that our maiden names are actually our father's names, so either way we didn't really "choose" them. I love the idea of people choosing their own last names when they get married, but that's not always popular with extended families. What do you think?

the other 40 hour job

As anyone with a full time job, two preschoolers, and some semblance of a social life might be, I am always exhausted. And this past week was no exception, except now I am also sick (thanks to the previously mentioned job and preschoolers). I started feeling sick last Monday, and another Monday rolled around and I still wasn't feeling much better. And so I decided that I needed to take a drastic step and put myself on a sleep diet.

Only this diet was the fattening-up kind, the kind you do before a wrestling match or you are going to be slaughtered for Thanksgiving dinner (okay, neither of those are practical similes, but you get the point).

Anyway, I've been attempting to get 8 hours of sleep per night. Last night I got into bed at 8:15 with the J Crew catalog and a copy of Self, turned on the Biggest Loser, and promptly fell asleep. I woke up this morning at 5 am. This is significant because I woke up- I wasn't woken up by an alarm clock, the cat, a three year old who has to pee, a four year old who wants to snuggle. And I really feel better today. It's amazing.

The email purge links

Here's what I'm using to get rid of my massive (like MASSIVE) email backlog:

What to do: http://unclutterer.com/2008/03/31/simple-strategies-to-clear-email-clutter-from-gina-trapani-of-lifehacker/

The three folder system: http://lifehacker.com/software/top/geek-to-live--empty-your-inbox-with-the-trusted-trio-182318.php

Now to figure out how to replicate this in my home... I'm thinking giant plastic bins might be the way to start... imagine putting ALL the toys in the living room in a giant plastic bin, and then dealing with them in small doses? Isn't that what they do on that show Clean Sweep? I think I need to have that show come to my house.

The Purge

I don't know if it's fall, or a phase or what, but I've been feeling the need to get rid of things and start fresh lately. My mom has been helping me tackle my house, which is a massive toy pit. Actually, it's a tiny 1000 sq ft toy pit. There's no room for anything, and the layouts of the rooms make it even harder. There's tons of dead space and too much going on where I actually need to walk... Anyway, not only this, but I also tried one of those inbox-zero email time savor tricks. It seems good so far but we'll see how long it lasts. It would be great to not spend 3 hours a day staring at email.

Too bad I can't move my house into a backlog folder... or maybe I could... hmmmm...

on being single with children

My "new life" definitely has its pros and cons. For example, sometimes its hard to have to be the adult who does ALL the adult things in the house- I take care of the kids, I work, I make the lunches, I wash the clothes, I pay the bills, I take out the trash, I kill the spiders, etc. Not only that, but I have to be the tough one, the disciplinarian, the one who says no. I hate this sometimes, because I want to be the fun parent. I would like to say "Wait til your father gets home" once in a while.

It's very emotionally draining to always have to follow through on what I say, even if that means spending 30 minutes making a 4 year old stay in time out, or not going somewhere fun because I said that we wouldn't go if they didn't listen or stop fighting or whatever it is that they are doing.

That being said, there are 2 nights and one day a week that I don't have to cook dinner, and I can watch tv or relax or read or take a nap or do whatever I want. This is awesome.

But my favorite part of being a single mom? Watching every single stupid show that I love to watch (Project Runway, the Hills, America's Next Top Model, etc) and never, ever having to watch another creepy Law and Order or show about monster trucks.

I may never date again.

A day at the farm

Today was the annual school field trip to the farm, always a fascinating and yet macabre adventure. There's just something about standing in front of a 400 lb pig while a woman sticks Velcro-backed drawings of bacon and spareribs to a wood cutout silhouette of a pig that makes me want to die a little. Not to mention the fact that soon the pig is apparently leaving them to "go to another farm," which one can only assume looks like that barn in the movie Twister with all the knives in it.

And to add insult to injury, we came home and had ham and cheese sandwiches for lunch. And to think I was a vegetarian for 13 years.

real life

I've been blogging for nearly two years now, when I started a blog called "The Year of Frugal Living." Twenty two months later, I've pretty much run out of things to say about Frugal Living and how my ex husband never pays his child support, and I'm pretty sure everyone else is tired of hearing about it. I'm not making fast progress, not enough to keep writing every day about it (although I'm still working on the debt paydown- I may move the ticker over to this blog).

But I don't want to stop blogging, so I started a new blog, sort of about my life, and sort of about the reconstruction of my happiness after the divorce and all of that. I've talked about building villages before, and it's something I think is fascinating and real. It also gives me an excuse to talk about my real life- my kids, my job, fun stuff. I'm excited.

So, if you're coming over from the YOFL, thanks for sticking with me, and if you're new, thanks for coming. You get to be in the village, too.