not what I'm supposed to be doing...

My mom is coming over tomorrow night with paint chips and Sunday we're going to IKEA. When I get home tonight I plan to take pictures of the "before" so that I can share and ask for some advice.

After 31 years of bitching that I don't have anything that I like and my house doesn't reflect my own style, the big question then becomes "what IS my own style?" Once, I took one of those "what is your style personality?" quizzes on hgtv.com and it said "eclectic" which I think means "too inconsistent to label". On that particular show (which I can't remember the name of right now) it says to pick 5 of your favorite things in your house, so that's what I'm going to do tonight, and see if that tells me anything other than "none of these things go together'.

let the daydreaming begin...

Now I'm wrapped up in the world of interior design. Should the panels be a bright color? What will go on the mantle? How will I choose things that reflect me and that I love and will also look cool and not like a dorm room?

It's so exciting. In the meanwhile, I found this cool blog about a mom who does this type of thing. Well. http://www.designmom.com/

Back to my lunch break IKEA shopping...

Divine Design

I just spent the last hour with my mom, staring at my ugly living room and trying to figure out wth to do with it all.

It boils down to a few major problems:

• it is entirely (and I mean 100%) filled with hand me downs from the early 90's at the NEWEST
• there is a large, wood paneled fireplace area on one end, not centered on the wall (wtf?)
• there is a giant air conditioner stuck in the side of the wall, even though I have central air (again, wtf?)
• there are toys, more toys, and then some more toys EVERYWHERE.

We came up with a plan. It's a phased plan, which I learned about at work. That means there is a phase one that is cheap and phase two that we may never have the money/resources to achieve, but here's hoping.

The Phase One plan is to:

1. Paint large wood paneled fire place to match the walls (cream) and trim (white)
2. Purchase and hang a screen over the air conditioner
3. Get a new corner desk to fill up the area next to the fireplace and make it look less off-center

Phase Two is something like get new couch, get new entertainment unit, win lottery, boob job, marry Brad Pitt. We'll see.

In the end, we felt good about it all, but my mom did claim she's emailing the Divine Design chick to beg her to come here.

how on earth do I have a 5 year old...

My oldest turned 5 on Friday. We spent the day with their dad, which as you can imagine, makes me the best mom on the planet.

It actually wasn't that bad. It's not like I don't like to talk to him, I just can't live with him. But he kept excusing himself to go smoke cigarettes, and each time he was gone I explained to the kids how cigarettes make your lungs black and you get sick from them and maybe die. So, they may grow up with panic disorders about their father (and grandmother) dying, but at least they won't smoke.

So now he's 5, and he's decided that he no longer wants me to call him by his nickname (which we've ALWAYS called him) but by his full name. The sheer idea of this makes me want to cry. I mean, it makes sense, he is certainly more of a full name type of kid, but still. At 5? Can't this wait till high school? It's heartbreaking.

On the other hand, now he's big enough for cool toys, so we spent the day yesterday playing star wars and legos and playmobil dragons. Plus, Mr3 informed me that he was never going to move out and he was going to live with me forever in the basement and sometimes he'd go to the grocery store. So now I have that to look forward to- I sort of picture him like the guy in "I Love You Man," hanging out in his man cave, smoking pot and playing air bass to Rush. Gotta love these kids...

Happy Thanksgiving!

I usually blow off sentimental holidays as being too mushy or something, but I have to admit being a mother has sort of forced me to take myself a little less seriously and enjoy the warmth of Thanksgiving and Christmas.

And in that vein, I'm thankful for

• my children
• having a roof over my head and food to eat
• my friends and family
• my job
• finding my voice through the Year of Frugal Living blog and continuing it here
• having a sense of humor when all of the above go terribly, terribly awry!

Happy Thanksgiving!

Every day is a new beginning

I'm watching the Biggest Loser right now. This season, there are some really messed up people among the contestants. Two of them are particularly heartbreaking to me- one, Abby, the mom who lost her whole family (husband, 5 year old daughter and newborn son) in a car accident. The other is Shay, the woman who's mother was a heroin addict. Obviously, the mom is heartbreaking- especially to a mom of two like me. Every time she talks about her kids, I just cry and cry. I can't even imagine what she went through. And for the other woman, after everything I went through with my ex and keeping my kids safe from his addiction, I just think of what could have happened had I not been strong enough to get us away from him.

Life is scary. Bad shit happens every day. People who don't deserve to suffer suffer a LOT. They don't always get saved, they don't always have another parent who will be DAMNED if they let anything happen to their kids. And people like my ex drive drunk or speed or whatever and kill other families. It's enough to make you want to stay in your house and never leave.

Except you can't. I'm not a religious person, I don't think there's a better place waiting for us. I think this life is the chance we have to be happy, to love, and to make this world a better place. I don't want my life to be bad or sad or terrible because of other people's crap. And I want my children to grow up knowing that they are loved and safe and have the chance to make their own happiness. And so I do my best every day- if I'm tired or sad or upset, I talk to my kids about feelings and how to deal with them. I don't sugar coat things, but I don't let them forget that they are safe and loved. And I really feel that every day is a new beginning, a new chance to be happy and have relationships with others and to love and be loved. At the end of the day, you can only change yourself and how you deal with how others affect you.

The village that I talk about- it's about having those loving relationships with people who make you happy and challenge you and who you love. It's about making your life the best you can, and not letting the bad things break you. At the end of the day, I feel at peace with everything I've been through, and I hope that I make others lives happier.

I think I need a teepee

Yesterday I was insanely stressed out. There was too much to do and not enough time to do it in- kids needed to be delivered to two different places, Halloween costumes needed to be worn with changes of clothes brought, garbage and recycling needed to be taken out, and I needed to be at work at 7:45 for a class. Then, I got it all done, and I felt awesome. I'm awesome! I can handle everything!

Except this morning I had practically nothing to do. Kids were coming with me to school (they go to the preschool on our campus), costumes were in the bag, no lunches needed because they are going to the babysitter's at lunch time so McDs on the way could be had... should have been a breeze, right?

But no. Mr3 would NOT leave me alone. He wanted me to carry him everywhere, and since I donated blood yesterday, I didn't really want to pick him up (my arm looks gross- like blood will squirt out of the hole if I flex my muscle). Then he didn't want to get dressed, then he wanted a cheese stick even though he had a bowl of colby jack and crackers right in front of him, then he kept pushing me while I was trying to brush my teeth... I ended up roaming aimlessly around the house trying to find a place to get away from him. Just for ONE minute- just enough to drink a few swigs of coffee without getting shoved and spilling it.

I eventually got them dressed and in the car and delivered to school and now I'm at work and everything is fine, but I hate mornings like this. It all started because Max just wanted me to play with him, and I can't really PLAY with him in the morning. I ended up playing this "i'm a hamster in the pet store and you buy me" game with him while I was making breakfast, but that's what set him off. And I feel bad! But what can I really do? It's time to get up, get dressed, eat, get ready.

It's just frustrating and it sucks.